she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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