We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
