Your dad touched me again.
i think i have two assholes
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
