What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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