i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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