Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
