My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize