It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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