I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize