Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
