Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
