Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
