I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
They took my balls.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize