It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
