I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Shame - the story of my life.
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