Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
