I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
