just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize