I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
