In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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