VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
