The maid of honor just puked.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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