its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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