onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
