Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
