Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
the raccoons are back...
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