I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
