11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
