I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
