i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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