So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
