you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
