There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
