Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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