Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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