i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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