Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
