I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
