she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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