Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
