Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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