i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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