Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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