I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize