mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize