No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
