My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
