Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize