Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
