I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
