he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it glows. i had to have it.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
