Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
