i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
