There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
