Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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