Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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