Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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