can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
