Moan for me like Helen Keller
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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